wounding is all encompassing
body || mind || heart
healing a life long journey
pain catalyst
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Childhood
Most of our pain begins in childhood. Unfortunately when trauma occurs during these body and mind forming years, the long term effects are deeply rooted. It takes time and work to rewire, break patterns, and heal. These patterns are woven into the blueprint of our body and psyche. They are woven into our cellular memory. This is a life long mission.
My childhood pastor did something for me that saved my, and my childʻs life. I want to do this for you now.
He asked me to make a solemn vow to him, to God and to my self. He asked, “Do you want to continue the dysfunctional and deeply harmful patterns of your parents, and perpetuate them to your children?” I of course said, “Never!” He said, “Good. Then promise me, God and yourself this right now. It will take you working on it every day for the rest of your life. Are you willing to do that? For the rest of your life? To save your children from the pain you have suffered?” “Yes!”
So I ask you now, the beautiful and troubled soul that is reading this right now, will you make this same promise?” If so, repeat after me.
VOW-
I PROMISE TO BREAK THE DYSFUNCTIONAL PATTERNS OF MY PARENTS, OF MY BLOODLINE. I PROMISE TO WORK ON MY SELF. CHECK MYSELF, SELF REFLECT EVERY DAY. TO MAKE SURE I NEVER MIMICK THE PAINFUL PARENTING WAYS I WAS SUBJECT TO. I MAKE THIS SOLEMN VOW NOW TO GOD AND TO MYSELF.”
And so it is.
You are now on your way to your salvation. And the salvation of your family, your bloodline. When you heal, you heal your bloodline backward and forward. Congratulations. Your Ancestors and future family thank you. And God congratulates you.
(If it was not your parents that subjected you to the abuse, you can tweak to the vow to fit your circumstance.)
With deep deep love, I see you. I this moment, I am here with you. Hearing your vow. And witnessing your pain and your strength. I love you. And feel deeply proud of your commitment.
xx Nicci
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Relationship
I believe the realm of relationship is deeply profound. This is the playground of healing. This is where it all happens.
In adulthood this is where we see our pain and trauma manifest. Our partner, a friend, a lover, a husband, wife, partner or child- this is where our past trauma rears its ugly head and we can witness our pain play out. Our unhealed parts showing themselves. Giving us a map to the wound that needs healing.
This is where your Vow becomes extremely important. You promised to break the pattern. This is done through self reflection. You always need to check your self. You need to get comfortable at being wrong and apologizing when you are. When you have showed up badly. Not harm in apologizing. We are a work in progress. None of us are perfect. You are recreating the better version of your. That takes tweaking the old version. And that tweaking is acknowledging when you acted from a wounded place. And owning that responsibility and making amends. At times you also need to be able to walk away from relationships that are harmful. But also know when you are the problem, and then stay and work it out. Running rather than taking ownership is also a harmful pattern.
There are many patterns that play out in relationships. Avoidance, running, addiction, anger, lying, cheating, resentment, judgement, obsessing, blaming, becoming obsessive, OCD. The list goes on and on. We are all different, and we all had a different experience that lead us to our current makeup. The makeup that makes you, magically you. Regardless of the coping mechanism or the patterns you have adopted because of your neglect and abuse, you are a precious child of God. And you are deeply loved and cherished. By our divine creator, and by me, sweet soul. I have walked these paths as well. We all recognize the halls of healing. Like so many of our sisters and brothers in arms in our fight for freedom. The freedom to feel whole, peaceful happy and to have the ability to cultivate healthy relationships is the promise land on the other side of your healing.
You got this love. You are a warrior carved by fire. You are molding into the next, higher version of yourself. It is a hard and painful process, but staying where you are, is far worse. It means you donʻt break the cycle. You continue hurting yourself and others you love. You are the Lion that roars with out fear and puts on his battle gear when its time for the fight.
On the other side of this is a peaceful soul, a happy heart and loving relationships. The reward is a grand gift that you get to give to your bloodline. Your ancestors, your guardian angels, God and I- are right here on the sidelines cheering you on. With full confidence. You are never, ever alone.
You so got this!
With deep admiration.
xx Nicci
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Trauma
Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes. It may not have been abusive parents that you endured. It could have been a death, a loss of a loved one, a traumatic accident, an illness, addiction, rape, sexual abuse, or narcissistic abuse. I believe most of us have complicated PTSD. This is when we have multiple post traumatic stress disorder incidents, long term or repeated trauma.
There is a Japanese art form called Kintsugi. Itʻs an art form and philosophy that repairs broken pottery with a lacquer mixed with gold, silver or platinum. The repair wasn’t made to be as good as new, but highlights the cracks. The philosophy is that instead of disguising the damage, celebrate it as a part of the objectʻs history, making it more beautiful and more valuable than before.
I see humans this way. Each of us unique with our cracks and damage collected by our unique experiences of this and possibly other lifetimes. Or damage passed down to you through your DNA. As we heal we fill our selves a new with light that bursts through our cracks, our damage if you will. And makes us so much more beautiful than before. I actually love Kintsugi people. Forged in the fire people are my kind of people. There is a special and magical essence of the people that show up and do the work to heal. There is a deep resonance to these special humans.
On the other side of my life of trauma, I love myself even more because of the work I have done. There is a deep character build that brightens our light. The vase with the gold- those are the most stunning vases of them all.
Kintsugi people have experienced deep, deep sadness. Deep grief. There is a part of them that is or was deeply injured. Many to the point of not wanting to be here anymore. What I have noticed is that when these deeply wounded people heal, they reveal such deep hearts. Itʻs as if their hearts have expanded in a way. The depth they have experienced heartache, is also the depth they love. And that my friends is something so very, very beautiful. Often itʻs the healed wounded that go on to be in service of others. Their humanity and their dedication seems to have been expanded with their pain and healing. They have a deeper well for gratitude. Just talking about this lot makes my heart burst with love and appreciation.
And this is why I come here. To be with you. To stoke your fire for healing. To encourage you to make the vow and do the work. To show up for yourself, your ohana, and God. To repair your Kintsugi vase. E komo Mai (welcome) to the journey. From yourself, to yourself.
The cost of your new life, is your old life.
You are not alone. Letʻs walk this together.
Much love,
xx Nicci
inviting God into your life
The most important part of this transformation journey is your relationship with our Creator. We all have our own connection to our Creator. For many there is negative emotion around certain names for our Creator. To avoid triggering I will refer to our creator as Spirit.
“personally i could never have survived this journey with out god. i would have faltered for sure. he is my strength. he is my heart. he is my joy. if you want to walk this journey you must renew your relationship with our creator. i have a prayer below. you can say it now. you can say it daily. but at the center of healing is god.”
xx Nicci
"God, I open my heart to You.
Come into my life and fill the empty spaces with Your love.
Wash away my fears, my mistakes, and my shame.
Guide my steps, shape my thoughts, and make me new from the inside out.
I surrender my plans to Yours, trusting that Your way is better.
Today I choose You, Lord—now and forever."
Amen
Relationship with self
We hear the phrase “self love” often. And that is because this is the nucleus. The starting point. It is the central, essential core from which everything grows or organizes. It is the center point of the healing process. Without it the structure of your emotional well being canʻt fully stabilize. Every other aspect of recovery- boundaries, forgiveness, confidence, healthy relationships- radiates outward from the core of self love.
parenting is one of the most important jobs and relationship you will experience in life. it is where you get to give another human the tools to suceed in life. it is a massive responsibility and opportunity.
THIS CHILD IS NOT HERE FOR YOU TO LIVE OUT YOUR MISSED DREAMS. YOU ARE NOT TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY THROUGH THEM. I SEE THIS A LOT WITH PARENTS AND SPORTS. THEY ARE NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND. NOT TO SAY YOU CANT BE THEIR BEST CONFIDANT AND YOUR SHOULD BE THERE FOREVER SUPPORT SYSTEM. YOUR JOB IS TO CARE, PROVIDE, GUIDE, SEE, LISTEN, FEED, NURTURE, PROVIDE SAFTY AND SECURITY AND HELP THEM BUILD A STRONG SENSE OF SELF. YOU ARE A GUIDE. YOU ARE THEIR FOUNDATION. WHEN PARENTS LOOK FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD AND NOT WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM IN LIFE AND IN EVERY MOMENT THEN THEY ARE DOING THEIR JOB WELL.
Union
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Union *
Whoa! Union is the higher echelon of learning in the human journey
DANGER WITHIN THE UNION REALM
I SEE A PANDEMIC IN THE UNION REALM. SO I START THIS SECTION WITH A WARNING AND INFORMATION TO HELP YOU DECERN DANGER. KNOWLEDGE CAN HELP YOU PROTECT YOURSELF.
AS I MENTIONED, WOUNDED SOULS HAVE A DEEPER CAPACITY TO LOVE. AND THEREFORE YOU HAVE A DEEP CAPACITY TO HURT. IF YOU WALK INTO UNION WITH OUT WATCHING FOR LAND MINES YOU CAN REALLY GET YOURSELF INTO DEEP, DEEP WATER. THERE ARE, UNFORTUNATELY, A LOT OF PREDATORS OR VICTIMIZERS OUT THERE. I MENTION SOME PERSONALITY TYPES AND ATTACHMENT STYLES BELOW. NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS RAMPANT AND VERY DIFFICULT TO HEAL FROM. IDEALLY, IF YOU WERE TO SEE WARNING SIGNS ITS POSSIBLY YOU CAN WALK AWAY SOONER. THE LONGER YOU STAY IN RELATION WITH THIS PREDATORS, THE HARDER THE PROCESS TO HEAL. I WILL OFFER STRATEGY TO HEAL FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE AND TO HEAL FROM AVOIDANT AND ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT. BUT IF YOU SEE WARNING SIGNS FIRST, DONʻT WALK. RUN.
NARCISSIST ARE EASIER TO DETECT THAN COVERT NARCISSIST THEY ARE GRANDIOSE, ENTITLED AND HAVE A LACK OF EMPATHY. THEY CRAVE ATTENTION, ADMIRATION AND VALIDATION. THEY ARE NOT HIDING THEIR NARCISSISTIC BEHAVIOR. I BELIEVE THERE ARE MANY AVOIDANT NARCISSISTS OUT THERE, AND IN MY VIEW, THEY OFTEN ALIGN WITH WHATʻS CLINICALLY CALLED COVERT NARCISSIST. A NARCISSIST WHO PRESENTS AS SENSITIVE AND RESERVED, YET STILL CARRIES THE SAME UNDERLYING TRAITS.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE- YOU FEEL FOR AN AVOIDANT. FOR THIS STORY OF TRAUMA. YOU CAN FEEL THEIR HURT. IT FEELS AUTHENTIC. FOR THE DEEPLY LOVING, WOUNDED PERSON. YOU KNOW THIS PAIN YOURSELF SO YOUR COMPASSION RUNS DEEP.
AVOIDANT NARCISSIST- WHEN AVOIDANT BEHAVIOR IS COUPLED WITH NARCISSISM, ITʻS A HOOK THAT WILL KEEP YOU STUCK AND KEEP YOU COMING BACK. THIS COMBINATION IN A PERSONALITY IS A SPECIAL KIND OF POSION. (MORE INFO BELOW.). MY WARNING IS ABOUT NARCISSIST. ALL TYPES- RUN, DONʻT WALK.
THE PROBLEM WITH THE NARCISSISTIC LOVE STORY IS IT IS MAGICAL INITIALLY. BECAUSE THEY ARE STUDYING YOU. LEARNING EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO FEEL, HEAR AND SEE FROM THEM, YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR IDEAL LOVE STORY. THIS FIRST STAGE IS THE LOVE BOMBING STAGE. MOST PEOPLE WILL HAVE A VERY DIFFICULT TIME RECOGNIZING THIS STAGE. THE NARCISSIST IS MIRRORING BACK TO YOU YOUR PERFECT WAY OF BEING LOVED. THE PERFECT PARTNER. ITS OVER TIME THAT YOU SEE THE CRACKS IN THEIR MASK. SO THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE IS, MOVE SLOWLY. TAKE YOUR TIME. ASK QUESTIONS. A LOT OF QUESTIONS. LOOK INTO ANY RED FLAGS. USE YOUR GUT. GET TO KNOW THEM. IF IT SEEMS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT MAY BE. THEN SLOW IT DOWN. I PROMISE YOU THE FALL OUT IS NOT WORTH THE HIGH OF THIS LOVE BOMB.
THE LOVE BOMB IS THE FIRST SIGN. ANOTHER SIGN I NOTICE IS RELATIONSHIP HISTORY. MANY CANT HOLD LONG RELATIONSHIPS. AND A HUGE RED FLAG IS THEY TALK ILL OF THEIR PAST PARTNER. NARCISSIST HAVE A DISPOSAL PHASE WHEN LEAVING A RELATIONSHIP. WHEN THEY ARE DONE WITH YOU THEY GHOST AND DUMP. THEN THEY BLAME THEIR PAST PARTNER FOR THE ENDING. THEY WILL CREATE MANY NEGATIVE STORIES ABOUT THEIR PAST PARTNER. AND SPREAD THAT STORY AROUND TOWN. THE NARCISSISTS MAIN CONCERN IS ALWAYS THEIR APPEARANCE AND REPUTATION. THEY CANT BE SEEN AS THE BAD GUY. SO THEY CREATE STORIES TO MAKE THEM THE VICITM IN ANY BREAKUP.
ANOTHER SIGN I NOTICE IS THEY ARE MYSTERIOUS. THEY SEEM CALM AND A LITTLE ALOOF. THIS IS BECAUSE THEY HIDE A LOT. THEY STUDY PEOPLE. THEY ARE PREDATORS. THEY ARE LOOKING FOR THEIR NEXT PREY. THEY WEAR MANY MASKS TO MANY PEOPLE. THEY MAY HAVE MANY FRIENDS. IN UNION YOU GET TO SEE THE REAL SIDE OF SOMEONE. (WELL EVENTUALLY WITH COVERT NARCISSISTS.). SO THEY MAY HAVE LONG TERM, DEEP FRIENDSHIPS, IF THEY ARE ARE COVERT. YOU HAVE TO BECOME A DETECTIVE. A FIERCE PROTECTOR OF YOUR OWN HEART, SOUL AND MIND. DISCERNMENT IS VERY IMPORTANT.
avoidant and anxious attachment TYPES
Attachment styles explain how people relate to each other in close relationships, usually in partnership or union. The two most common styles talked about are avoidant and anxious attachment. Both of these wounded styles stem from early childhood experiences but show up in adult relationships. The mirror of the partnership will highlight and pull out these dysfunctional patterns. This is why I believe union is the higher echelon of learning on the earth plane. As these patterns rise up and cause conflict in your partnership, you must look in to the mirror to recognize your wounds. Recognize how you are showing up. If you donʻt and choose to walk away, rather than do the work to heal, that wound wont heal. You may move on to the next partnership to find you will see the same reflection in the mirror. The mirror is you.
People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence and emotional distance. They often feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or vulnerability. Because they learned in childhood that relying on others was unsafe. They may keep others at a distance, hide or suppress their feeling and avoid sharing emotions. Communication if very difficult for avoidants. Which makes partnership and conflict repair extremely difficult.
People with anxious attachment often seek high levels of closeness and reassurance but fear abandonment or rejection. They tend to desire consistent validation and attention. They worry about their partners feelings or commitment. Some feel insecure about their worth in a relationship. This can lead to suspicion and jealously. Which will cause conflict.
The 2 styles together often create a push and pull dynamic in a relationship. The avoidant pulls away while the anxious partner pursues closeness. This cycle can cause frustration and misunderstanding but also it is an opportunity for growth. With the tools of compassion and communication this bond can be a catalyst for significant change. The kind of growth that is only available through union.
Understanding your attachment style is very important in your journey of healing. Self reflection is colossal importance in healing. You will likely want to point fingers. But when we do, we forget 3 fingers are pointing back at us. Healing is a self reflective and ownership taking journey. We are only in charge of our own healing and change. In healthy union, both partners work in this playing field together to create change, build new patterns and grow.
If you identify with avoidant or anxious attachment self-reflection, therapy, somatic work, breath work, honest conversations with your partner can support healing and deeper intimacy. Healing is a body, mind and soul healing. We store trauma in the body. There for somatic and breath are excellent tools to couple with therapy.
This is a difficult journey because these patterns are so deeply ingrained. But remember, on the other side of the healing is happiness. If one of the partners is not willing to do this work with you. You can do your work on your own. You can only heal yourself. Your partner is in charge of themselves.
I see you. I am here with you. Cheering you on,
xx Nicci
HOW DO YOU BECOME AVOIDANT?
AVOIDANT TENDENCIES OFTER STAR IN THE FIRST YEARS OF LIFE WHEN A CHILDʻS EMOTIONAL NEEDFS ARENʻT MET CONSISTENTLY. THEY HAVE EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABLE CAREGIVERS. CAREGIVERS WHO MINIMIZE OR DISMISS THEIR FEELINGS. AND /OR THEIR CAREGIVERS OVER EMPHASIS INDEPENDENCE. THE CORE BELIEF BECOMES, “ IF I GET TO CLOSE, I CAN GET HURT.” THE NERVOUS SYSTEM SHUTS DOWN VULNERABILITY IN ORDER TO FEEL SAFE. THEY FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WITH EMOTIONAL INTIMACY SO THEY PULL BACK WHEN RELATIONSHIPS GET TO CLOSE.
HOW DO YOU BECOME NARCISSISTIC?
develop durning early childhood. some of the experiences that are known to cause narcissism are inconsistent or excessive praise. neglect or abuse. invalidation which can lead to a fragile self esteem that they protect by adopting a grandiose self image. or parental modeling. if their parent exhibits narcissistic traits, children can learn them. Narcissism can develop as a defense mechanism to cope with feelings of vulnerability, shame or low self worth. Its protection from deep insecurities.
narsasistic VS. Avoidant
While avoidant personalities and narcissists can sometimes look similar on the surface — both can seem distant, self-focused, or hard to connect with — the root causes, intentions, and patterns are very different.
1. Core Motivation
Avoidant:
Often stems from early attachment wounds (neglect, emotionally unavailable caregivers).
They fear intimacy will lead to engulfment, rejection, or loss of autonomy.
Emotional distance is a defense mechanism to protect themselves.
Narcissist:
Driven by the need for validation, admiration, and control.
Emotional distance is a power strategy to maintain superiority or dominance.
2. Empathy
Avoidant:
Can feel empathy but struggles to express it or act on it in close relationships.
They may pull away when emotions run high, even if they care.
Narcissist:
Has impaired or shallow empathy — often prioritizes their needs over others’ without remorse.
Can feign empathy if it benefits them, but it’s often performative.
3. Relationship Patterns
Avoidant:
May send mixed signals — craving connection but withdrawing when it feels too close.
Often feels guilt after pulling away.
Narcissist:
Cycles between idealizing and devaluing partners.
Often uses manipulation (gaslighting, love-bombing, withholding) to control the dynamic.
4. Accountability
Avoidant:
Can acknowledge their distancing behavior if made aware, though change may be slow.
Growth is possible with self-awareness and therapy.
Narcissist:
Rarely admits fault — will deflect blame, twist facts, or attack your credibility.
Genuine change is uncommon without deep, sustained intervention.
5. Intent Behind the Distance
Avoidant:
Withdraws to feel safe and reduce emotional overwhelm.
Self-protection is the goal.
Narcissist:
Withdraws to punish, destabilize, or maintain control.
Power is the goal.
summary:
Avoidants create distance out of fear of vulnerability. Narcissists create distance out of a need for control or self-inflation. They may both leave you feeling emotionally starved, but the psychology — and the potential for a healthy relationship — is very different.
Narcissism coupled with avoidant behavior
When someone is both avoidant and narcissistic, it usually means two different but overlapping developmental patterns formed in childhood. One rooted in attachment wounds, the other in personality defense mechanisms. This is also called covert narcissism.
1. The Avoidant Attachment Side
Core cause: Chronic emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving in childhood.
Caregivers may have provided food, shelter, and basic needs, but were emotionally distant, dismissive, or uncomfortable with closeness.
As a child, they learned:
“When I show need, I get ignored or rejected.”
“It’s safer to depend on myself than to risk closeness.”
Result: They grow into adults who keep emotional distance, avoid vulnerability, and shut down when intimacy feels too close.
2. The Narcissistic Side
Core cause: Wounding of the self-esteem + lack of unconditional love and secure validation.
Childhood may have included:
Excessive criticism (“You’re never good enough”)
Conditional love (“You’re loved when you succeed, not for who you are”)
Overpraise without attunement (admired for achievements, not emotions)
Or even parental enmeshment (being made to meet a parent’s emotional needs)
The child develops a false self — a polished, performance-based identity — to gain approval and avoid shame.
Result: As adults, they rely on control, admiration, and ego defense to protect against feelings of worthlessness.
3. How They Combine
When both patterns occur together:
The avoidant part fears emotional engulfment and avoids vulnerability.
The narcissistic part fears being seen as inadequate and uses control or superiority to maintain a sense of worth.
This creates a push-pull dynamic:
They keep you at arm’s length (avoidance)
But also need to secure your admiration and compliance (narcissism)
Deep down, both traits are defenses against shame and fear of rejection.
Important point:
Not every avoidant is narcissistic, and not every narcissist is avoidant — but when they overlap, you’re often seeing someone who grew up both emotionally deprived and emotionally over-controlled. They learned to shut down and to manipulate to survive.
If your partner had traits from both avoidant attachment and narcissism, it likely means you were dealing with a combination of two patterns — and that’s a particularly confusing and emotionally destabilizing mix.
Here’s why:
1. They May Have Been “Covert” or “Vulnerable” Narcissistic
Some narcissists lean avoidant — they do fear intimacy, but they also crave control and validation.
This subtype can present as shy, sensitive, or “wounded,” making them harder to recognize as narcissistic at first.
They may push you away and pull you back in, creating a double bind.
2. Their Avoidance Masks Their Narcissism
Avoidant behaviors (emotional withdrawal, fear of closeness) can hide manipulative patterns.
You might interpret the distance as fear or insecurity, but behind it may also be a lack of empathy and a willingness to prioritize themselves over you.
3. The Push-Pull is Intensified
Avoidants run when it’s too close; narcissists pull away to maintain control.
With both traits present, you get extra-intense hot-and-cold cycles:
Deep passion or attention → abrupt withdrawal → guilt or blame-shifting → sudden re-engagement.
4. Why It’s So Hard to Leave
You might see the wounded child in their avoidant side and want to “help” them.
But the narcissistic side exploits that empathy to keep you in the cycle.
Meaning for you:
It doesn’t necessarily mean they “are” both in a formal diagnosis sense — but it means their behavior combined fear-based withdrawal and power-based manipulation. This is one of the most damaging dynamics for partners because it blends hope for healing with repeated harm.
Can Narcissist heal?
its possible but challenging. it requires deep self awareness, the willingness to change and professional help. Narcissism involves ingrained defense mechanisms that protecting deep insecurities, making it difficult for someone to admit vulnerabilities or flaws. They may lack insight into how their behavior hurts others. Therapy can feel threatening because it challenges their self image. It requires deep commitment and professional support.
If you are a partner of a narcissist especially a covert narcissist- it is very difficult to heal from.
healing from an avoidant/narcissist
Healing from someone who had both avoidant attachment traits and narcissistic tendencies is a deep process — because you’re not just recovering from emotional neglect or manipulation, but from the entanglement of both.
The recovery has to target three layers at once:
The trauma bond (chemical addiction to the push-pull dynamic)
The attachment wound (your nervous system’s learned fear/longing pattern)
The self-worth injury (damage to your sense of value, trust, and boundaries)
Step-by-Step Healing Approach
1. Break the Cycle Completely
Go No-Contact if possible. If not, keep it minimum contact with firm emotional boundaries.
Remove physical and digital reminders.
If they resurface, remind yourself: They can be warm without being safe.
2. Learn the Pattern — in Detail
Study both avoidant attachment and narcissistic abuse so your brain stops romanticizing the good moments.
Journal truthfully about how they made you feel after every withdrawal or blame-shift.
This dismantles the illusion and reduces craving for the “highs.”
3. Heal the Nervous System
Your body became wired to expect unpredictable affection — that needs rebalancing.
Tools:
Somatic therapy or trauma-informed yoga
Breathwork (long exhales to downshift fight/flight)
Gentle movement, walking, or stretching after emotional triggers
4. Address the Attachment Wound
Work with a therapist skilled in attachment repair (EMDR, Internal Family Systems, or Somatic Experiencing are ideal).
Practice receiving care from safe people without feeling guilty or suspicious.
Affirmations to rewire your inner belief:
“Consistency is safe.”
“Love doesn’t need chasing.”
5. Rebuild Self-Worth & Sexual Autonomy
Remember: both traits can make you feel replaceable or “not enough.”
Counter this by:
Setting small, non-negotiable boundaries in all areas of life
Reclaiming sexuality on your own terms (self-exploration without pressure or comparison to the past)
Surrounding yourself with people who affirm your value without strings attached
6. Move Toward Secure Connection
Don’t rush into dating — but do start noticing safe, consistent behavior in others.
Safe partners may feel “boring” at first if your nervous system equates chaos with love — this is just your body adjusting to real safety.
Key truth to remember:
They weren’t two different people (the sweet, avoidant one and the manipulative one) — they were one person whose behavior was both fear-based and control-based. Healing means learning that you can have love without fear and passion without pain.
I was told once by my ex who was a covert narcissist. He said, “I am so happy. I have everything i need.” these kinds of statements are so painful and calious. Let me share what is behid these types of statements.
When they say“I have everything I need” in the context of their new life and possibly their new mate, it usually carries an emotional undertone.
Here’s what’s often going on:
1. Image Projection
Narcissists curate their lives like a highlight reel to show others they’ve “won” after a breakup.
The phrase can be a performance for your benefit — meant to imply they’re happier, more fulfilled, and completely over you.
Translation: “Look at me, I’m thriving without you.”
2. Idealization Phase (Love-Bombing the New Partner)
At the start of a new relationship, narcissists often pour on intense attention and gifts (love bombing) to secure the new person.
They believe they have everything they need — but it’s tied to the honeymoon illusion, not reality.
Translation: “This is perfect — right now.” (It’s often temporary.)
3. Emotional Rejection by Proxy
It can also be a passive way to erase or diminish your importance in their life’s narrative.
By stating they have “everything,” they imply you were never essential.
Translation: “You’re irrelevant to my happiness now.”
Reality check:
When someone truly has “everything they need,” they don’t need to announce it — especially to someone from their past. This kind of statement often says more about their need to convince themselves or others than about actual fulfillment.
Here’s a short, sharp detachment mantra you can use when their words creep back in:
“That’s his story, not my truth. I release it.”
Say it out loud or in your head every time you remember his statement, see something about him, or feel that emotional sting.
The his story part reminds you it’s just a crafted narrative.
The not my truth part reclaims your authority.
The I release it part signals your mind to let go.
If you repeat it consistently, your brain starts breaking the association between his voice and your emotions — like unhooking Velcro.
Dream it
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Build it
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Grow it
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Dream it • Build it • Grow it •
healthy relatiohship
A healthy relationship feels like home, safe, warm, supported but also gives you room to explore the world and yourself individually. Itʻs based in trust.
