Avoidant & Anxious Attachment Types
Attachment styles explain how people relate to each other in close relationships, usually in partnership or union. The two most common styles talked about are avoidant and anxious attachment. Both of these wounded styles stem from early childhood experiences but show up in adult relationships. The mirror of the partnership will highlight and pull out these dysfunctional patterns. This is why I believe union is the higher echelon of learning on the earth plane. As these patterns rise up and cause conflict in your partnership, you must look in to the mirror to recognize your wounds. Recognize how you are showing up. If you donʻt and choose to walk away, rather than do the work to heal, that wound wont heal. You may move on to the next partnership to find you will see the same reflection in the mirror. The mirror is you.
People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence and emotional distance. They often feel uncomfortable with too much closeness or vulnerability. Because they learned in childhood that relying on others was unsafe. They may keep others at a distance, hide or suppress their feeling and avoid sharing emotions. Communication if very difficult for avoidants. Which makes partnership and conflict repair extremely difficult.
People with anxious attachment often seek high levels of closeness and reassurance but fear abandonment or rejection. They tend to desire consistent validation and attention. They worry about their partners feelings or commitment. Some feel insecure about their worth in a relationship. This can lead to suspicion and jealously. Which will cause conflict.
The 2 styles together often create a push and pull dynamic in a relationship. The avoidant pulls away while the anxious partner pursues closeness. This cycle can cause frustration and misunderstanding but also it is an opportunity for growth. With the tools of compassion and communication this bond can be a catalyst for significant change. The kind of growth that is only available through union.
Understanding your attachment style is very important in your journey of healing. Self reflection is colossal importance in healing. You will likely want to point fingers. But when we do, we forget 3 fingers are pointing back at us. Healing is a self reflective and ownership taking journey. We are only in charge of our own healing and change. In healthy union, both partners work in this playing field together to create change, build new patterns and grow.
If you identify with avoidant or anxious attachment self-reflection, therapy, somatic work, breath work, honest conversations with your partner can support healing and deeper intimacy. Healing is a body, mind and soul healing. We store trauma in the body. There for somatic and breath are excellent tools to couple with therapy.
This is a difficult journey because these patterns are so deeply ingrained. But remember, on the other side of the healing is happiness. If one of the partners is not willing to do this work with you. You can do your work on your own. You can only heal yourself. Your partner is in charge of themselves.
I see you. I am here with you. Cheering you on,
xx Nicci
HOW DO YOU BECOME AVOIDANT?
Avoidant tendencies ofter Star in the first years of life when a childʻs emotional needfs arenʻt met consistently. They have emotional unavailable caregivers. Caregivers who minimize or dismiss their feelings. And /Or their caregivers over emphasis independence. The core belief becomes, “ if I get to close, I can get hurt.” the nervous system shuts down vulnerability in order to feel safe. They feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy so they pull back when relationships get to close.
HOW DO YOU BECOME NARCISSISTIC?
Develop durning early childhood. Some of the experiences that are known to cause narcissism are inconsistent or excessive praise. Neglect or abuse. Invalidation which can lead to a fragile self esteem that they protect by adopting a grandiose self image. Or parental modeling. If their parent exhibits narcissistic traits, children can learn them. Narcissism can develop as a defense mechanism to cope with feelings of vulnerability, shame or low self worth. Its protection from deep insecurities.
narsasistic VS. Avoidant
While avoidant personalities and narcissists can sometimes look similar on the surface — both can seem distant, self-focused, or hard to connect with — the root causes, intentions, and patterns are very different.
1. Core Motivation
Avoidant:
Often stems from early attachment wounds (neglect, emotionally unavailable caregivers).
They fear intimacy will lead to engulfment, rejection, or loss of autonomy.
Emotional distance is a defense mechanism to protect themselves.
Narcissist:
Driven by the need for validation, admiration, and control.
Emotional distance is a power strategy to maintain superiority or dominance.
2. Empathy
Avoidant:
Can feel empathy but struggles to express it or act on it in close relationships.
They may pull away when emotions run high, even if they care.
Narcissist:
Has impaired or shallow empathy — often prioritizes their needs over others’ without remorse.
Can feign empathy if it benefits them, but it’s often performative.
3. Relationship Patterns
Avoidant:
May send mixed signals — craving connection but withdrawing when it feels too close.
Often feels guilt after pulling away.
Narcissist:
Cycles between idealizing and devaluing partners.
Often uses manipulation (gaslighting, love-bombing, withholding) to control the dynamic.
4. Accountability
Avoidant:
Can acknowledge their distancing behavior if made aware, though change may be slow.
Growth is possible with self-awareness and therapy.
Narcissist:
Rarely admits fault — will deflect blame, twist facts, or attack your credibility.
Genuine change is uncommon without deep, sustained intervention.
5. Intent Behind the Distance
Avoidant:
Withdraws to feel safe and reduce emotional overwhelm.
Self-protection is the goal.
Narcissist:
Withdraws to punish, destabilize, or maintain control.
Power is the goal.
IN summary
Avoidants create distance out of fear of vulnerability. Narcissists create distance out of a need for control or self-inflation. They may both leave you feeling emotionally starved, but the psychology — and the potential for a healthy relationship — is very different.
Narcissism coupled with avoidant behavior
When someone is both avoidant and narcissistic, it usually means two different but overlapping developmental patterns formed in childhood. One rooted in attachment wounds, the other in personality defense mechanisms. This is also called covert narcissism.
1. The Avoidant Attachment Side
Core cause: Chronic emotional neglect or inconsistent caregiving in childhood.
Caregivers may have provided food, shelter, and basic needs, but were emotionally distant, dismissive, or uncomfortable with closeness.
As a child, they learned:
“When I show need, I get ignored or rejected.”
“It’s safer to depend on myself than to risk closeness.”
Result: They grow into adults who keep emotional distance, avoid vulnerability, and shut down when intimacy feels too close.
2. The Narcissistic Side
Core cause: Wounding of the self-esteem + lack of unconditional love and secure validation.
Childhood may have included:
Excessive criticism (“You’re never good enough”)
Conditional love (“You’re loved when you succeed, not for who you are”)
Overpraise without attunement (admired for achievements, not emotions)
Or even parental enmeshment (being made to meet a parent’s emotional needs)
The child develops a false self — a polished, performance-based identity — to gain approval and avoid shame.
Result: As adults, they rely on control, admiration, and ego defense to protect against feelings of worthlessness.
3. How They Combine
When both patterns occur together:
The avoidant part fears emotional engulfment and avoids vulnerability.
The narcissistic part fears being seen as inadequate and uses control or superiority to maintain a sense of worth.
This creates a push-pull dynamic:
They keep you at arm’s length (avoidance)
But also need to secure your admiration and compliance (narcissism)
Deep down, both traits are defenses against shame and fear of rejection.
Important point:
Not every avoidant is narcissistic, and not every narcissist is avoidant — but when they overlap, you’re often seeing someone who grew up both emotionally deprived and emotionally over-controlled. They learned to shut down and to manipulate to survive.
If your partner had traits from both avoidant attachment and narcissism, it likely means you were dealing with a combination of two patterns — and that’s a particularly confusing and emotionally destabilizing mix.
Here’s why:
1. They May Have Been “Covert” or “Vulnerable” Narcissistic
Some narcissists lean avoidant — they do fear intimacy, but they also crave control and validation.
This subtype can present as shy, sensitive, or “wounded,” making them harder to recognize as narcissistic at first.
They may push you away and pull you back in, creating a double bind.
2. Their Avoidance Masks Their Narcissism
Avoidant behaviors (emotional withdrawal, fear of closeness) can hide manipulative patterns.
You might interpret the distance as fear or insecurity, but behind it may also be a lack of empathy and a willingness to prioritize themselves over you.
3. The Push-Pull is Intensified
Avoidants run when it’s too close; narcissists pull away to maintain control.
With both traits present, you get extra-intense hot-and-cold cycles:
Deep passion or attention → abrupt withdrawal → guilt or blame-shifting → sudden re-engagement.
4. Why It’s So Hard to Leave
You might see the wounded child in their avoidant side and want to “help” them.
But the narcissistic side exploits that empathy to keep you in the cycle.
Meaning for you:
It doesn’t necessarily mean they “are” both in a formal diagnosis sense — but it means their behavior combined fear-based withdrawal and power-based manipulation. This is one of the most damaging dynamics for partners because it blends hope for healing with repeated harm.
Can Narcissist heal?
Its possible but challenging. It requires deep self awareness, the willingness to change and professional help. Narcissism involves ingrained defense mechanisms that protecting deep insecurities, making it difficult for someone to admit vulnerabilities or flaws. They May lack insight into how their behavior hurts others. Therapy can feel threatening because it challenges their self image. It requires deep commitment and professional support.
If you are a partner of a narcissist especially a covert narcissist- it is very difficult to heal from.
healing from an avoidant/narcissist
Healing from someone who had both avoidant attachment traits and narcissistic tendencies is a deep process — because you’re not just recovering from emotional neglect or manipulation, but from the entanglement of both.
The recovery has to target three layers at once:
The trauma bond (chemical addiction to the push-pull dynamic)
The attachment wound (your nervous system’s learned fear/longing pattern)
The self-worth injury (damage to your sense of value, trust, and boundaries)
Step-by-Step Healing Approach
1. Break the Cycle Completely
Go No-Contact if possible. If not, keep it minimum contact with firm emotional boundaries.
Remove physical and digital reminders.
If they resurface, remind yourself: They can be warm without being safe.
2. Learn the Pattern — in Detail
Study both avoidant attachment and narcissistic abuse so your brain stops romanticizing the good moments.
Journal truthfully about how they made you feel after every withdrawal or blame-shift.
This dismantles the illusion and reduces craving for the “highs.”
3. Heal the Nervous System
Your body became wired to expect unpredictable affection — that needs rebalancing.
Tools:
Somatic therapy or trauma-informed yoga
Breathwork (long exhales to downshift fight/flight)
Gentle movement, walking, or stretching after emotional triggers
4. Address the Attachment Wound
Work with a therapist skilled in attachment repair (EMDR, Internal Family Systems, or Somatic Experiencing are ideal).
Practice receiving care from safe people without feeling guilty or suspicious.
Affirmations to rewire your inner belief:
“Consistency is safe.”
“Love doesn’t need chasing.”
5. Rebuild Self-Worth & Sexual Autonomy
Remember: both traits can make you feel replaceable or “not enough.”
Counter this by:
Setting small, non-negotiable boundaries in all areas of life
Reclaiming sexuality on your own terms (self-exploration without pressure or comparison to the past)
Surrounding yourself with people who affirm your value without strings attached
6. Move Toward Secure Connection
Don’t rush into dating — but do start noticing safe, consistent behavior in others.
Safe partners may feel “boring” at first if your nervous system equates chaos with love — this is just your body adjusting to real safety.
Key truth to remember:
They weren’t two different people (the sweet, avoidant one and the manipulative one) — they were one person whose behavior was both fear-based and control-based. Healing means learning that you can have love without fear and passion without pain.
I was told once by my ex who was a covert narcissist. He said, “I am so happy. I have everything i need.” these kinds of statements are so painful and calious.
Let me share what is behid these types of statements.
When they say“I have everything I need” in the context of their new life and possibly their new mate, it usually carries an emotional undertone.
Here’s what’s often going on:
1. Image Projection
Narcissists curate their lives like a highlight reel to show others they’ve “won” after a breakup.
The phrase can be a performance for your benefit — meant to imply they’re happier, more fulfilled, and completely over you.
Translation: “Look at me, I’m thriving without you.”
2. Idealization Phase (Love-Bombing the New Partner)
At the start of a new relationship, narcissists often pour on intense attention and gifts (love bombing) to secure the new person.
They believe they have everything they need — but it’s tied to the honeymoon illusion, not reality.
Translation: “This is perfect — right now.” (It’s often temporary.)
3. Emotional Rejection by Proxy
It can also be a passive way to erase or diminish your importance in their life’s narrative.
By stating they have “everything,” they imply you were never essential.
Translation: “You’re irrelevant to my happiness now.”
Reality check:
When someone truly has “everything they need,” they don’t need to announce it — especially to someone from their past. This kind of statement often says more about their need to convince themselves or others than about actual fulfillment.
Here’s a short, sharp detachment mantra you can use when their words creep back in:
“That’s his story, not my truth. I release it.”
Say it out loud or in your head every time you remember his statement, see something about him, or feel that emotional sting.
The his story part reminds you it’s just a crafted narrative.
The not my truth part reclaims your authority.
The I release it part signals your mind to let go.
If you repeat it consistently, your brain starts breaking the association between his voice and your emotions — like unhooking Velcro.
healthy
relatiohship
A healthy relationship feels like home, safe, warm, supported but also gives you room to explore the world and yourself individually. Itʻs based in trust.